Facing Reality
On the path of recovery, one of the most devastating points is when we face reality. Some might describe it as an existential crisis. This typically comes in the form of authentically seeing a loved one for who they are. And, most importantly, who they are not…and possibly who they never will be.
For those of us who have experienced relational trauma, the lack of co-regulation and attunement in the early years of life left us feeling incomplete and hollowed out. When our parents (especially our mother) was unable to reflect back to us our soul and it’s purpose, we began to split from the core of the Self to find it. This split created an ache, which then lead to a plea…a bargaining with the external world to fill this void.
Like a baby bird rooting around for its mother to feed it, we began to “root” around for co-regulation and attunement. Over time, we were met with continuous dismissal, which might have been read as annihilation. And, so the splitting took sophisticated forms. It took the form of a creating a fantasy person or life: someone or something that would finally fill the void and take the pain of abandonment away. Some of us created multiple fantasy worlds that we believed did or could truly exist. These states are the foundation for psychosis: namely delusions, paranoia and hallucinations. In essence, we created false realities to cope.
Many of us began to project this fantasy, i.e., idolized version onto those with whom we were in intimate relationship with.* For, in an intimate relationship, we were brought close to the core of who we were through mirroring. This mirroring reflected our insecure and fragile bonding and attachment system. Oftentimes, this reflection was too much for our nervous system to hold, so we unconsciously stopped it by needing them to be different and reverting back to the idolization.
Lack of co-regulation in early development is the breeding ground for co-dependency. If we remain stuck in this stage, we may find ourselves caught in a a viscous cycle of desiring bonding and connection but being dependent/reliant on another. It can lend itself to a double-bind: feeling imprisoned by Soul’s need for attachment and Spirit’s need for freedom.
The “now what work”: Rebuilding a life based on reality is essentially creating an entirely new life. In the beginning stages, there will be a great deal of grieving the personas we created that accompanied the false realities. Addthis stage, a re-wiring of healthy bonding and attachment is necessary. It is critical that individuals work with a practitioner skilled in physiology, bonding and attachment as well as somatic integration. It may also be necessary to create space from a romantic partner if a trauma bond has formed.
* For some, this may be their children
To read Leslie’s personal commentary on Facing Reality click here.