AoH Learning Lab: Emotional Incest
Emotional (or Covert) Incest is a severe form of codependence that is played out as a parent seeks emotional support from their child/children. The parent views his/her child/children as a close friend, partner/spouse, or even their own parent. Codependancy is a lack of intimacy with the Self. So, the parent begins “using” his/her child as a surrogate intimate relationship; to fill the gap of intimacy they did not receive from their caregivers early on.
Emotional incest does not actually involve sexual abuse, but may create similar symptoms. It can occur when the children are of juvenile and adult-age. It may, in fact, “turn on” when the children become adults - the reasons for this are beyond the scope of this post.
The parent may justify their behavior has being “very close” to their kids. They may even, receive praise for being so close to their kids. But, Emotional Incest is too close; it is a form of extreme enmeshment where little to no boundaries exist. Enmeshment may be expressed, in this case, by the sharing of social activities, money, clothes, a bedroom, even a bed or showering together.
Just like every psychological and physiological disorder, emotional incest runs on a spectrum. On one end, there is the parent who identifies their children as “my best friends,” to the extreme end of the spectrum, where a parent parties and engages in drug and alcohol intoxication with their kids.
The most extreme manifestation of Emotional Incest is a parent who partakes in nudity (beyond age-appropriateness) with their kids - again, even if the kids are grown. Skinny-dipping, is one example. This is where the line between Emotional Incest and sexual abuse may get blurry.
As with all forms of codependence, Emotional Incest stems from immaturity. That is to say, the parent’s nervous system became thwarted - and hence stuck - in an early developmental period due to abuse suffered in their own childhood. So instead of looking inward to investigate what is causing stress or disruption, the parent looks to his or her children to get needs met - the way a child would look to his or her parents for this.
A father or mother who engages in Emotional Incest, oftentimes, lacks age-appropriate friends. They may have no age-appropriate friends at all. Again, they utilize their kids to get social needs met. When Emotional Incest is occurring where the children are of adult age, the parent may identify their kid’s friends as their own.
Emotional Incest can get triggered, so the parent “cycles” in and out of being an adult to child version of him/herself. This is where “splitting” may occur. Getting too close (enmeshed) with the child or being away from them (feeling abandoned) can cause the adult to unconsciously split and regress to the age of the thwarted development. This can also be triggered when the parent becomes involved in an intimate (especially) romantic relationship where early bonding and attachment ruptures are brought to consciousness and mirrored by the other. It can additionally get triggered simply by overwhelm/stress in the nervous system.
When the triggering takes place, the regression may be expressed as the parent not being able to take care of themselves. They may suddenly step away from adult responsibilities (paying bills, missing appointments, making the bed, washing clothes). They may begin wearing dirty/same clothes, start eating unhealthy foods, “hide” (a freeze response), leave in some form (flight response), have anger outbursts onto others and the world (fight response), and start to feel disorganized and chaotic. If this individual was physically or sexually abused as a child, he or she may engage in self-harm or a form of self-flagellation as a reenactment of this stage. The self-harm may range from unconsciously putting oneself in “homeless” or destitute types of living situations to actual harming of his/her body. The “child” who is stuck in the body of the adult needed to be protected and taken care of during that stage, but clearly was not. While it may seem they are acting out or being inappropriate with their own children, it is a cry for help. Nevertheless, it creates confusion and disorganization for all parties involved.
Also within the realm of splitting, Emotional Incest often causes role reversal, where parentification takes place; the child will take on roles of the mother or father in the areas where it went missing. Unfortunately, when these individuals turn to their children to get the protection, care, unconditional love, safety and attunement they missed from their parents, it is a wholly unfair and unreasonable responsibility to place on children, even if they are of adult age. It may, in fact, cause the children to begin splitting into personas or personalities to cope with their own overwhelm in having to take care of a parent who lacks the skills to govern their own being and integrate into the world.
As to be expected, there is a co-morbidity with Emotional Incest and substance use - by the parent and children. Firstly, due to enmeshment, a lack of boundaries and hierarchy, the children are being robbed of important developmental stages that must be fully entered and experienced to move on to the next stage. Secondly, if a parent is using substance with their children (even adult age), the parent is modeling to the children that substance is a way of coping with stress and reality; that one uses external means instead of practicing intimacy with one’s Self.
If you see yourself in any version of the above description, know that repair of early attachment and bonding ruptures is how you heal. I recommend seeking a practitioner who has knowledge in: The psychobiological approach, the nervous system, somatic integration, family systems, parts work and Attachment Theory. And most important: finding a practitioner with whom you feel connected to. Connection with another is how we re-establish safety in our being.
Related blog: Substance-Use as a Substitute to Intimacy, Bonding and Attachment