The Toxic Shame/Failure Loop

Toxic shame stems from an inability to extricate oneself from one’s behavior. The unconscious tape playing says, “I am my bad behavior. I am my bad decisions. I am my failures.”

Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame:

Healthy shame is a part of being accepted into a family unit, a tribe, etc. Our caregivers and elders correct our behavior so we don’t hurt ourselves or others. When we get corrected/disciplined, there will be a repair action afterwards: a hug, an “I love you,” and explanation for the correction. This repair from the caregiver tells the young child, “your behavior is separate from You. I see You and I see your behavior. You can be loved even in the face of making a mistake.” This child will also grow up seeing others as such. A lack of judgement and harshness on others and the world will be null to minimal. 

Toxic shame occurs when our caregivers in the early years correct/discipline, us but offer little to no repair. If this happens chronically, the child internalizes the sense of wrongdoing and over time, over-couples bad behavior with his/her sense of Self. This child grows up with this unconscious state embedded into their being. Their lens through which they see the world is a feeling of being judged, criticized and attacked.  Because the world is a giant funhouse of mirrors reflecting our inner states back to us, those with toxic shame will have a generalized feeling of the world being a difficult place to live in; often feeling alienated, marginalized and misunderstood. Individuals with toxic shame have difficulty apologizing, taking responsibility and especially making living amends. For doing so usually ends in an abreaction, i.e., a full-frontal bodily confrontation of the mantra: “I’m an inherently horrible person.”

Shame/Failure loop:

Individuals with toxic shame develop elaborate and often impenetrable defenses to cope with the difficultly of constantly being confronted with their shame. Their implicit mantra is: “I over commit, I over promise, I over do, I over extend myself, all in an attempt to avoid the toxic shame feeling that is eating at me.” In this attempt, they cannot live up to these grandiose commitments they made, and so they end up “failing.” This lands them in a hopeless and despair state. Their only recourse (tool) in their toolbox is to prove to themselves and the world that “I’m not a failure.” But, ultimately they end up repeating the cycle by over-committing again.

Intimacy and Shame:

Those with toxic shame have a near-constant lived experience of self-intimacy being glued to feelings of self-blame, self-doubt, lack of self-worth and lack of confidence in their abilities. In order to cope, they often split off from the core of who they are by creating different versions of themselves: personas and personalities. When they enter into an intimate relationship, especially romantic, it mirrors not only the shame back at them, but also the caricature personas/personalities they’ve created.

The Other will be asking for intimacy, but this too becomes a highly charged experience as intimacy is inexorable from shame. So, even a relationship with a secure Other will bring about the shame/failure loop. It is almost impossible to have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone who has unprocessed toxic shame; it will feel like walking on eggshells for the Other. In fact, when intervention is finally sought or they bottom out in life, toxically-shamed individuals often report feeling like a fraud. This is why those with toxic shame often have difficulty keeping or have tumultuous relationships with others.

Psychobiological Explanation: 

My personal description of the felt-sense of having the toxic-shame-button pushed is this: being on a roller coaster inside of a tornado. This is due to the body needing a completion of all 3 survival responses (fight, flight and freeze) at the same time. In a meager attempt, a toxically-shamed person might do the following:

-Fight: I blame and/or villainize others, the government, politics, etc. Splitting off in rage episode is also common.

-Flight: I cut-off from the so called threat by literally leaving the situation, leaving the job, leaving my partner, leaving the city/country, etc.

-Freeze: I use intellect/stories, substance, fantasy/dreamland, enmesh with others, social media, and other addictions to numb. 

It is worth noting that the intensity of the energy caused by the locked-in fight and flight responses is so intense that freeze is the mechanism that comes in to stop the person from fully engaging in the behaviors. This is why at the heart of most addictions - especially smoked/injected substances - is unprocessed toxic shame.

Psychobiological Intervention:

It is critical that a third party be utilized if toxic shame presents in a romantic relationship. The level of activating energy within is too much for even two people to manage. A professional who has deep knowledge about the nervous system, somatic integration, shame, titration and pendulation is critical. Because it is an implicitly stored experience, the most important aspect will be teaching the client how to access, track and absorb his/her somatic experiences. Having an embodied experience might be brand new territory for those with unprocessed toxic shame as they’ve been unconsciously avoiding the place where the pain is stored their entire life. It is therefore - and also highly critical - that the practitioner has a psychobiological and clinical understanding and appreciation of safety and slowness. Through these techniques, the practitioner will softly challenge the defenses created to avoid the shame experience, allowing the client to feel a sense of empowerment and agency.

Please hear this: You cannot process toxic shame on your own. You cannot read books to recover your true Self. If you’re attempting to cope with life with unprocessed shame, it is likely you have an inherent distrust of others, especially if humiliation was a part of shaming from caretakers. There are professionals out there who understand this as they’ve been through the recovery path themselves. Processing shame and calling back and integrating those parts of you that you had to hide to survive can change your life entirely - especially your relationship to your Self. It might be the most spiritual endeavor you’ll ever embark on!