Tolerance vs. Capacity

Tolerance = Splitting off from one’s Self

Capacity = Staying with one’s Self

Tolerance for stress is a very different thing than having capacity for stress. When we have tolerance for stress, our nervous system and our being is enduring or coping with the experience and the sensations it created; just trying to keep it’s head above water. When we grow up with relational trauma, we are often faced with learned helplessness – a feeling that no matter what we do, nothing will change. So, we hold the stress of the experience in our body. When this stress hits the energy threshold that our nervous system is able to contain, we begin to “split” off from our Self; a dissociation.

We need somewhere to “put” the intense energy of the sensations showing up in our body. It can be expressed through creation of personas or personalities, literally running away, use of substance, enmeshing with others, hiding, lack of communicating, incongruent laughing, etc. In essence, it is a false sense of being able to hold stress. Additionally, it is a non-growth state because we are “pushing” the energy down into our bodies as opposed to allowing it to be absorbed; the latter being where growth, i.e., capacity, in the nervous system is created.

In relationships, this often shows up as incoherence: an inability to hold, empathize and have compassion for the other’s stress when I’m under stress. In other words, I do not have the bandwidth in my nervous system to hold my own stress, let alone the stress of another. Those with this type of nervous system tend to have difficultly staying in intimate relationships.

Capacity on the other hand, is an authentic and embodied sense of holding stress. If we were fortunate enough to have had caregivers who were attuned to our needs (especially during the formative years), our nervous systems grew capacity by being held, touched and soothed when we cried out for help. This gave us a sense of safety and security in the world; a space to learn how to speak up and take care of our Selves. Through this process, we were able to transfer excess energy onto a loving and secure caregiver. This allowed us to learn the integral experience of relationshipping: co-regulation and self-regulation. This, in turn, fostered an ability in our bodies to have inter and intra coherence. In other words, the ability to hold multiple states (mine and another’s, for example) at the same time. Those who have large capacity in their nervous systems tend to have very fulfilling intimate relationships.

Working on growing capacity. Fortunately, we can repair the ruptured bonds we experienced as young children and rewire new relationship pathways. This can be done within a romantic relationship but safety is key and I’d recommend working with a therapist who is learned in somatic work, nervous system regulation and early attachment/bonding ruptures.                     

Where I see the most growth is via the use of communication. As aforementioned, many of us had the experience of our voice being thwarted through learned helplessness. While learning to stay with ourselves through hyper arousal states (fight or flight) - as opposed to going away (splitting) - we can speak to the desires and needs of the part of us that got pushed down as a child. From this sacred space, we can begin to find our inherent power. This will allow us to absorb and integrate the power parts of  our survival responses (intuition, life force, kundalini) and discard the biowaste parts. Just remember, every time we utilize an old adaptation of “splitting,” we are not growing. Stay with your Self!