Clean Communication and Emotional Ethics

How do we safeguard our work? “The Work” I refer to here is deep somatic work to the extent that we can be in relationship with our wounded parts. The extent that I can hold space for my wounds is the extent to which I can hold another’s wounded stares. So, how do we interface in intimate relationships honoring the Other, but also protecting Our wounds against triggered states?

The answer, I believe, lies in a psychobiologically-informed answer: if our ego is integrated, it is critical that we only interface intimately with those who also have an integrated ego. Those with an integrated ego hold a personal emotional ethical view that communication (especially with those they care most about) is clean. When this is the bedrock of how they interface, there is no residual left. Wounds will get triggered, we can’t avoid that. But, we can choose to be in intimate relationships with others who language sounds like this: “I’m sorry I triggered you. I will stay with you and talk this out until you feel resolution and repair in your body. What do you need? What are you deeply craving?

So, what does it mean to have an integrated ego from a psychobiological standpoint? It means that I’ve done the somatic work to the extent that I’ve built capacity to allow my survival responses to come to surface without reacting to them. This, by the way, is my definition of consciousness.

And, what does that look like in real life? Answers like this are often best understood while looked at from a comparison state. So, an individual without ego-integration would make decisions from a fight or flight response. So, there would be little to no communication over a tough conversation. They often avoid the conversation and/or create distractions. So, instead of taking time to feel his own survival responses, that person would simply tell the other person that a decision has already been made. This is because he cannot cope with the energy that comes up in his nervous system. These are Avoidant Attachment style individuals: they cut and run when the going gets tough, often leaving the residual for the other to clean up. Plans, commitments and empathy for how their actions affect the other is secondary to their own need to run away from a situation begging for maturity.

This is a reaction as opposed to a response Reactions are always projections, which is a mechanism to release energy an individual has not learned to cope with. Unfortunately, this projection is often leashed out onto another. Anger and accusations at the other of being unreasonable are common energy leaks/projections. This starts the dances with wounds.

Trauma can be defined as too much, too soon, too fast. For those of us who have early abandonment wounds, it is critical that we are in intimate relationships with those who have an integrated ego because a triggered state may not only bring up strong emotions and feelings in us, but also an entire bodily experience of being terrified and/or annihilated.

We all deserve intimate relationships - especially romantic ones - with those who have the capacity to honor those sacred wound states. Is this the intersection of where sacred relationships begin? I think so. It’s all about repair and resolution!