Love Letter to the Divine Masculine

This is a picture of my daughter and her dad (my ex). I found it last week when I was cleaning out my garage. When I saw it, I fell to the ground in grief. I had the sudden realization that I didn’t have a conscious memory of her at that stage in her life. Because of extreme life circumstances, for three years, I checked out to survive when we were under FBI investigation during that time. In that moment last week, the grief that I cut off l - just to stay alive - caught up with me. I’d been sucker-punched with unfathomable guilt and remorse over not being present for her.

And, through all these highly-nuanced slices of life, it is all so fascinating and awe-inspiring if we are able to zoom out from this 4D illusionary state…

All month, I’ve been watching lion videos. I like to come off as highly sophisticated and clever, so I tell the story that it’s research for work. Yeah, it is…but my life absolutely inspires and informs my work. The truth is that I’m drawn to the lion as he embodies the Father Archetype: the protector. He is the integrated gestalt of mature masculine energy. Courageous, strong, decisive, capable, productive…embodying benevolent authority through wisdom.

As I called my ex to wish him well on Father’s Day, I thanked him for showing up for our daughter. We both had a huge cry over what we missed with her from 2012-2016. He shared with me his “horrendous pain.” It was a pivotal time in her life that we’ll never be able to get back. I can’t begin to describe how much that hurts as a parent.

What I told him was this: even though we’re divorced, we’re now showing up and repairing those ruptures we created in our daughters life. The two of us came into our marriage as young, highly wounded and misinformed individuals. But, because we are now suturing up those wounds, the imprint won’t be left in her body. She won’t have to reenact the incompleteness 1,000 times like we did.

Back to the lion videos: I’m 46 years old. There’s still that little girl in me who yearns for the Father Archetype to show up…to protect me, to save me. I lost my dad to leukemia 17 years ago. He was 49 years old, I was 29. He was this supernova of a human. His luminous stellar explosion was ever-waiting to happen. He seemed to always be one step away from a nuclear fusion. My dad left me for a yearning of both the protector and the luminosity of an entire galaxy. That’s an interesting tightrope to walk!

That’s difficult to share publicly. But, my hope is that I never stop this self-exploration and sharing with others. I hope you don’t either. This life is full of symbolism, love, confusion, heartache, frustration, belly laughs, projection, awkward dancing, soul-speaking, unconscious stupidity, and if we’re lucky, one that’s lived to the point of tears.

How do we know we’re growing? I suppose there are many ways. But, my favorite one is to simply look around at who is in my life in this moment. As I feel into this day, Father’s Day, and to the men who are in my life, I must be doing pretty well. They are all so beautifully doing the dance of unifying masculine and feminine energies cohesively. I want to thank you all for doing the necessary repair with yourself and, therefore me and so many other feminine energies. It is profound, even though you may not realize it.

A repair efforted by one masculine energy, affects millions of other feminine energies.

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