The Inner Work
I took this picture about 10 years ago. For 3 solid years, once a week, I’d drive to San Clemente to see my somatic therapist and afterwards, I’d stop at this outlook spot overlooking the Pacific Ocean along the 5 freeway. Overwhelmed by my traumas and grief, I’d watch the seagulls fly overhead. I’d imagine what it would be like to have the freedom of these hollow-boned ethereal creatures. Little did I know back then, I was practicing the art of nature integration.
That was also the time I’d started the Somatic Experiencing program. It was one of the (if not the most profoundly) shifting experiences of my life. I vividly recall Peter Levine telling us during training that it gets worse before it gets better and that there are no shortcuts - “slower is faster” is another famous mantra he used in doing the inner work.*
Like most of the counterparts of my species, I was seeking freedom. And, likewise, “why and how” were the existential and proverbial questions running circles around me.
For those 3 years in seeing my therapist on this weekly basis, trusting my body, the process, and another human were the components of surrender that were critical in forging a path of loving myself. In the somatics world, using the body to access traumas - and the resistance created in defense of them - is called bottom-up processing.
I see many people doing the top-down processing work: reading books, listening to podcasts, watching videos, even talk-therapy. I consider these auxiliary and support practices. But, they won’t permeate the deep and subtle tissues that are holding the traumas hostage. This is because they are mind-based tools. Sometimes they may even turn against us: when they are subconsciously used to keep us from taking responsibility, as they allow us to create a story around it being the fault of another, an experience, or even the world-at-large. That is to say, to partake in Victim Consciousness.
The individuals I see experiencing the most growth, expansion and relationship to purpose are those who are consistently showing up to meet with a practitioner. I’m going to make a bold statement here: we will not be able to resolve our traumas and stop hurting ourselves and others unless we are working with a practitioner, teacher, coach or sponsor on a regular basis. I do not see the type of lasting, embedded growth from top-down that I see from bottom-up.
There are many reasons for this necessity. The most important one I see: it allows for re-wiring. If you have relational trauma, the “predator” was likely caregiver(s) and/or family members. In other words, when you reached out for love (attachment and bonding), you were rejected in some form. This caused your nervous system to wire for protection (fight, flight, freeze) when it was seeking attunement, safety and protection.
No human is capable of giving unconditional love. We’re not yet evolved to that place. But, there are individuals who are highly attuned, compassionate and understanding - through their own inner work. These individuals will understand the finely-tuned art of pendulating between safety and challenge. They pair being a consummate figure that shows up consistently and reliably with gracefully show their vulnerable side when deemed beneficial.
Under these newfound interpersonal circumstances - almost miraculously - the nervous systems of the traumatized person will unconsciously begin to re-wire for safety in intimate moments with another human - perhaps for the first time ever. They will begin to practice recruiting the Ventral Vagal Complex (the cooperation, curiosity, connection and empathy pathway) over the Arousal System pathway (fight, flight, freeze). Eventually, they will use the Ventral pathway as a default mode.
If your nervous system has been wired to use the arousal pathway as a way to cope, you’ll notice a pattern of highs and lows in your life. You’ll also notice that the ego will come in with myriad defenses as to why you are not doing the inner work. Notice “when” statements such as, “When I have______ figured it.” “When I have the money.” The greatest act of love for yourself might be mobilizing against these defenses by taking action to set up an appointment with a practitioner.
I’m now 10 years into this work on a personal level. I have a standing appointment with my mentor/therapist that I consider as critical as exercise, nutrition and meditation. Doing the inner work is not the easy route but it is the one that will stick. I can tell you firsthand, that the freedom I was seeking, I have now begun to embody; I have a place in my body where I source not only my freedom, but my power as well.
The “why” and “how” answers are appearing as I’m seeking them less. This is not to say conflict, confusion, grief and sadness are gone. But, it is to say that I’m in right relationship with them now. The shame, blame, projection and victim are seeing their last moments and the pathway of love (ventral) is rising up in the vacancy they’ve left.
I wish this for all of humanity. I believe in you. I believe in us. I believe in love. Let’s put an end to the wars within so we can put an end to the wars on the out.
*Also called Shadow Work