On Holding Both: The Art of Pendulation

As of late, I’ve been asked often about being alone. More specifically, my choice to be alone. Nearly a year ago, I made the conscious decision to truly be with myself. My intent was to scrap off those bottom bits of codependency that haunted me; the ones tucked away in the far-off corners of my body. I sought to feel the sovereignty of being completely self-reliant; to once-and-for-all, break the ties that bound me to my psychological history.

Just recently, it came to me that in the process of being alone, I no longer feel alone, even when I am SO alone. It reminded me of the story of the Russian cosmonaut who was solo up in space in this tiny capsule when, after a few hours, he hears a ticking coming from the dashboard. It won’t stop and he’s got 20 more days left of the mission to go. Ultimately, he must succumb to the noise. He does so by falling in love with it - he turned the incessant ticking into music. 

I recall a night when I was on my “mission,” of being alone where I became suicidal. It was a crazy scene: my big-S-self was calling the bluff of my little-s-self, as if to say, “Oh yeah, watta ya gonna do?” We tend apologize for talking about suicidal ideations and macabre subjects of the like. But, the truth is that through the process of facing a part of my mortality, I am able to love deeper and have empathy where I didn’t before. The most gorgeous illumination? My internal boundaries that we’re all innately equipped with, rose up to meet me - for perhaps - the first time in my life.

It seems that there is no such thing as a balance in life. It’s more of growing a capacity to hold two constructs, emotions or sensations at the same time, and allow the pendulum to swing between them. In that space where the pendulum swings, we tussle, push, pull, learn and grow. I believe this is the fertile ground - the tilling, if you will - from which our existence, humanity and intuition rise up in natural form, no longer besieged by conditioning. In somatic work, this practice is called pendulation.

This “holding both” or pendulation that I speak of, was eloquently and humanly studied and written about by Carl Jung. His famous words remind us that everything is made up of both a shadow and a light energy. And, that the process of individuation involves touching gently into both and not getting caught up or stuck in the state in which they create sensation-wise in our bodies. One of my favorite writings from his autobiography, Memories, Dreams, Reflections, elucidating this subject:

“The world into which we are born is brutal and cruel, and at the same time one of divine beauty. Which element we think outweighs the other, whether meaninglessness or meaning, is a matter of temperament. If meaninglessness were absolutely preponderant, the meaningfulness of life would vanish to an increasing degree with each step in our development. But that is- or seems to me- not the case. Probably as in all metaphysical questions, both are true: Life is-or has- meaning and meaninglessness. I cherish the anxious hope that meaning will preponderate and will the battle.”

Yes, yes, Dr. Jung, probably both are true…

How to Stop Being a Victim

How to Stop Being a victim: Fully Feel Into Being Victimized…

One of the biggest stages of growth I experienced was when I fully accepted and took responsibility for being a victim. This was the stage where I grew up, became an adult, and began the process of loosening the grip of codependency.

That awareness was the cognitive part (top down). Then came the somatic part (bottom up) - and this is where the true healing came in - when I gave myself permission to fully “feel” into being victimized. For decades, I held on to the victim persona. I had stories and many reasons why I was stuck and not moving in the direction I wanted. But, I had be with the bodily sensations to get the integration my nervous system was asking for.

The reality was that I truly was victimized. As a child, I’d experienced nearly every major abuse: physical, sexual and relational: neglect, abandonment, enmeshment. Those parts of me (the immature child versions), never got a witness to their experience. They were never seen, felt or heard. They were angry and exhausted, and were in deep need of grieving in the presence of a witness I felt safe with.

As with all unconscious wounds, my nervous system recreated scenes to show me where my work was. Our nervous system will orient us towards people and experiences that somewhat “replicate” the original trauma that likely occurred when we were very young. The most recent scene that I’d experienced was my then-husband cheating on and suddenly leaving me. I held on to that story of being left and having to navigate life alone for years.

I got sympathy, empathy and compassion from the outside world. People began to show up to “save and rescue” me. This is what the little girl version of me needed when the original traumas took place. I wanted attention. I wanted my parents to hold me and say, “there, there sweet girl, I’m here for you.” That repair didn’t happen, so the unconscious part of me attempted to reconcile it in the external world. Alas, the reconciliation didn’t happen there either.

About this time, I was diving heavily into Depth Psychology and shadow work. I was also extremely privileged to be the witness to my clients experiencing a similar stuckness as their body attempted to renegotiate the victim stage as well.

I went into this embodiment process with my mentor. She listened to me. She challenged me to pause and feel the sensations in my body that accompanied my story of being left alone. Parts of it were gnarly and it was not a weekend journey of excavation. This was a slow and nuanced process as to ensure integration. I began feeling the newfound “adult” begin to to gradually land in my body. This was the point at which beautiful experiences began to show up in  my external world.

The inner creates the outer. So many of us spend countless days, even decades, attempting to manipulate our external environment to create lasting changes. If our internal environment is full with traumas and karmic deposits, we will continue to recreate these original emotional injuries through patterns, typically in intimate relationships. 

We are the most relational beings on this planet.  What went missing for most of us to offer repair - when relational injuries took place - was a trusting Other to soothe us via co-regulation. The embodiment and relational aspect must be present for us to truly heal. The byproduct of this is a completion of the original trauma(s), which naturally leads to integration. For me, and for many of you, a completion and integration of the victim state allowed me to show up fully in integrated form in the world. This is how we heal this planet.

A Toxic Relationship with Dopamine

Below are a few contextual items that will assist you in getting to know Dopamine:

• Dopamine is a molecule, more specifically, a hormone that is part of the catecholamine family. Catecholamines function as hormones or neurotransmitters or both. Catecholamines activate the amygdala, the “smoke detector” of the nervous system.

• Like nearly every chemical in your body, especially neurotransmitters, dopamine plays multiple roles including: motivation, memory, movement, mood and attention. High or low levels are connected to Parkinson’s disease, restless legs syndrome and ADHD.

• Dopamine is associated with the sympathetic part of your autonomic nervous system (ANS). In other words, it is involved in the fight or flight part of your ANS. The release of dopamine is activated when a threat is perceived.

• Our ancestors needed dopamine to keep them alive. It helped them to “memorize” - via an anticipation-inducing excitatory circuitry - where food and mating was to be found. In essence, we are wired to look to the past to infer the future.

• Dopamine acts on anticipation. This means that dopamine is not released when we get the desired object as is erroneously portrayed in pop culture. It is, therefore, not the pleasure hormone after all; it’s an anticipation hormone as it is released in the process of wanting the desired object.

• When we get the desired object, an entire cascade of molecules are released that bring us back down from the “high” of dopamine and “down” into the here and now. This is critical for us to feel the pleasure of getting the food, of finding a mating partner, primally speaking.

• The psychological equivalent of a toxic neurochemical addiction to dopamine is called Global High Intensity Disorder, also known as addiction to intensity.

• Dopamine is the chemical foundation for Addiction to Intensity and Addiction to Fantasy.

Eventually, the future becomes the present. Or does it?

Being the only animals on the planet capable of overriding our biology, we have created systems within our individual bodies, and therefore, in the external world where we are disrupting inherent cycles. Disruption of these cycles - more specifically, the completion of them - is deleteriously affecting the very essence of our nature. The incompletion of the dopaminergic cycle is no exception. There’s a huge cost of doing business this way. That cost is the loss of being able to drop into the present moment, The Eternal Now in spiritual terms.

From a psychobiological and trauma perspective, an unconscious biohacking of dopamine served a survival purpose early on: it allowed us to escape our terrible reality; it gave us a temporary fantasyland with which we could get away from the physical abuse, the neglect, abandonment and enmeshment. As we’ve talked about in previous AoH content, the mechanisms that served us in surviving when we were young nearly always begin to interfere with living a peaceful life in middle age.

When as a child, we felt trapped and engulfed with our abusive reality, a rush of dopamine created the aliveness, passion, choice and pleasure that oppressive caretakers took away from us. This aliveness and passion rose when we dreamed of a world of possibility. In a cruel twist of fate, mother nature would suddenly pull us from this state when she beckoned us to complete the cycle, i.e., come down to reality; to be in the here and now. For those who did not experience relational trauma, completing this dopamanergic cycle was a pleasurable experience, for it likely meant that mom or dad were there to offer grounding, completion and repair, if needed.

But, for those who faced chronic developmental trauma, we found a magical parallel world - we could get away from the tyrant. So, of course we honed this neuropathway. We became world class dreamers, visionaries, revolutionaries and evolutionaries in our mind’s eye. The universe, however, is asking us to live in both worlds: the physical and metaphysical, the dopaminergic and the here and now. If you have unresolved developmental trauma, facing reality is unconsciously bound up with loss of choice, fear and terror. When we were younger, we attempted to avoid reality it all costs and this created a viscous and costly feedback loop. We became the rat constantly bar-pressing for more and more and more. Dopamine has an insatiable appetite.

Sadly, individuals who have created a habit of continually bar-pressing the dopamine button become so entangled with the high, that the only way to come down - to face some sort of reality - is to numb via nervous system depressants (alcohol, marijuana, Benzodiazepines). This can become a wild cycle of swinging from an extreme on one end (dopamine), to the other extreme (substance-use). In this frenetic pacing, there is no space to drop down and find intimacy with oneself. And, to answer your question, yes - this transfers over to relationship with others (especially romantic): a back and forth, cycling of breaking up, making up, intensity and fervor.

For, as we know, relationships are the mechanism nature uses to mirror to us when and how we are out of homeostatic equilibrium. All romantic relationships have an upper limit on the thrilling, dopamine-filled high that most of us experience during the “honeymoon period.” When this threshold is reached, we are asked to come to the here and now and into companionate love. For the dopamine addict, this means he must face reality, including his childhood reality. For some individuals, this is too much to bear, so they leave the relationship for another dopamine hit. This topic is a blog unto itself. More dopamine blogs to come!

Basking in Reflected Glory of Others

Basking in Reflected Glory of Others is an other-reliant (codependent) behavior where one associates with successful, celebrated, or famous others. It’s a form of self-aggrandizement: promoting oneself as being important, needed and/powerful under the auspices of another/others. This most commonly shows up as connecting oneself to a sports team, being a groupie to a musician or music group, political party or recounting/posting a chance encounter with a celebrity. It runs on a spectrum. On the extreme end, it is a form of splitting off from the core as we enmesh with others, losing a sense of Self.

In the spiritual world, it takes the form of needing to report ones’ spiritual experiences to the public: ceremonies, trainings, taking a class with a well-known teacher guru, etc., as to make oneself appear spiritually awakened, and therefore, respected. This may also take place in retrospect: repeating stories or posting memories on social media about a time in the past when one was associated with a group or an individual where they felt recognized and essential, especially within a group.

As with all codependent behaviors, this stems from a place of insecurity and/or shame. In most cases, this is due to relational trauma causing lack of intimacy with the Self. If annihilation was present in the family of origin, these behaviors can be extreme. The message to the world is: I cannot show-up alone because I am not good enough in my own being. I, therefore, need to associate with others who I believe have more power than me. The recognition I receive by associating with and being seen with others (who have more power than me) makes me temporarily feel like I belong and am accepted.

Of course, we’ve all seen the avid sports fans who wear the team jerseys or the political zealot who plants a flag or political stickers on his/her vehicle. Then there are those who have become subconsciously and in delusional fashion, enmeshed with these groups: they use the terms “my” or “mine,” as if they’ve been accepted into the group or organization. They may even become possessive or emotional around negative comments about “their” group. At this point, they may start to dress, talk and act like their object of obsession…getting tattoos of said group’s brand or name permanently inlaid. In even more extreme versions, they partake in ceremonial rituals such as being tattooed with matching emblems on identicals body parts. This, of course, takes place in nearly every gang initiation. It is a form of control. But for the initiated, he feels accepted into a group, perhaps for the first time in his life.

In our early 20’s, most of these behaviors are accepted as developmental and part of rite and ceremony: it is a time in life where we are pushing and testing our internal boundaries through our peer group. In North American culture, healthy rite and passage is profoundly missing, especially for males. When ceremonies and rituals go missing from boyhood to adult, we see a a gestalt of confusion, where the middle-aged man is behaving in similar fashion to the 20-year-olds. It’s left us with few adults - nary an edler - who are able to guide healthy rites and passages from psychological adolescence to true adulthood. As Bill Plotkin laments, “The reality is that most contemporary people are lost and languishing in a Village on the edge of a vast deserted plain on the far side of which arise the gates to Adulthood - and few of them find their way across that plain.”

The Bodhisattva

“I pictured a rainbow, you held it in your hands. I had flashes, but you saw the plan. I wandered out in the world for years, while you just stayed in your room. I was dumbfounded by truth, you cut through the lies. I saw the rain-dirty valley, you saw Brigadoon. I spoke about wings, you just flew. Yes, you climbed on the ladder with the wind in your sails. You came like a comet, blazing your trail. I saw the crescent, you saw the whole of the moon.” - The Whole of the Moon, The Waterboys (1985).

In the most simplistic definition, a bodhisattva is an ordinary person who is able to reach nirvana/paradise but delays doing so out of compassion for others. In the Buddhist tradition, the bodhisattva vows to nurture the well-being of all. In the energy of the chakras, this transition from the self-centered will of the third chakra to the heart of inclusivity suggests a move to a wider, more spacious and human view. The vow of the bodhisattva is a vow of the heart.

Watts - someone who could live on two levels. They can dance and play but at the end of the day can look back and still know what’s really going on. They can play by the rules and still know . The understanding of Zen, the understanding of awakening, of mystical is one of the most dangerous things in the world. For a person who cannot contain it, it’s like putting a million volts through your electric shaver. If you go off in that way, that would what would be called a Pratyekabuddha, a private buddha. He is one who goes off into the transcendental world and is never seen again. He’s made a mistake from the standpoint of Buddhism because, from the standpoint of Buddhism, there is no fundamental difference between the transcendental world and this everyday world. The bodhisattva doesn’t go off into a nirvana and stay there for ever and ever, but comes back to live everyday ordinary life to help other beings to see through it too. He doesn’t come back because he feels he has some slolom duty to help mankind, and all that kind of pious camp. He comes back because he sees that the two worlds are the same. He sees all other beings a buddhas. It’s fascinating to see all other beings as enlightened. Catatonic Samadhi. The Zen buddhist idea of enlightenment is not comprehended in the idea of a trascendental, neither is it comprehended in the idea of the ordinary. Not in terms of the infinite nor the the finite. Not in terms of the eternal, not in terms of the termporal. Becasue they are all concepts. So then, it’s terribly important to see beyond ecstacy.

Nietzsche examines this in his book “Thus Spoke Zarathrustra'“ - a master grows wery of the weight of his wisdom, and descends from his mountain to everyday life below. We can either remain on our mountain or we can descend out of compassion - but first we must realize that we aren’t the doers - a master is merely a conduit of wisdom.

The Toxic Shame/Failure Loop

Toxic shame stems from an inability to extricate oneself from one’s behavior. The unconscious tape playing says, “I am my bad behavior. I am my bad decisions. I am my failures.”

Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame:

Healthy shame is a part of being accepted into a family unit, a tribe, etc. Our caregivers and elders correct our behavior so we don’t hurt ourselves or others. When we get corrected/disciplined, there will be a repair action afterwards: a hug, an “I love you,” and explanation for the correction. This repair from the caregiver tells the young child, “your behavior is separate from You. I see You and I see your behavior. You can be loved even in the face of making a mistake.” This child will also grow up seeing others as such. A lack of judgement and harshness on others and the world will be null to minimal. 

Toxic shame occurs when our caregivers in the early years correct/discipline, us but offer little to no repair. If this happens chronically, the child internalizes the sense of wrongdoing and over time, over-couples bad behavior with his/her sense of Self. This child grows up with this unconscious state embedded into their being. Their lens through which they see the world is a feeling of being judged, criticized and attacked.  Because the world is a giant funhouse of mirrors reflecting our inner states back to us, those with toxic shame will have a generalized feeling of the world being a difficult place to live in; often feeling alienated, marginalized and misunderstood. Individuals with toxic shame have difficulty apologizing, taking responsibility and especially making living amends. For doing so usually ends in an abreaction, i.e., a full-frontal bodily confrontation of the mantra: “I’m an inherently horrible person.”

Shame/Failure loop:

Individuals with toxic shame develop elaborate and often impenetrable defenses to cope with the difficultly of constantly being confronted with their shame. Their implicit mantra is: “I over commit, I over promise, I over do, I over extend myself, all in an attempt to avoid the toxic shame feeling that is eating at me.” In this attempt, they cannot live up to these grandiose commitments they made, and so they end up “failing.” This lands them in a hopeless and despair state. Their only recourse (tool) in their toolbox is to prove to themselves and the world that “I’m not a failure.” But, ultimately they end up repeating the cycle by over-committing again.

Intimacy and Shame:

Those with toxic shame have a near-constant lived experience of self-intimacy being glued to feelings of self-blame, self-doubt, lack of self-worth and lack of confidence in their abilities. In order to cope, they often split off from the core of who they are by creating different versions of themselves: personas and personalities. When they enter into an intimate relationship, especially romantic, it mirrors not only the shame back at them, but also the caricature personas/personalities they’ve created.

The Other will be asking for intimacy, but this too becomes a highly charged experience as intimacy is inexorable from shame. So, even a relationship with a secure Other will bring about the shame/failure loop. It is almost impossible to have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone who has unprocessed toxic shame; it will feel like walking on eggshells for the Other. In fact, when intervention is finally sought or they bottom out in life, toxically-shamed individuals often report feeling like a fraud. This is why those with toxic shame often have difficulty keeping or have tumultuous relationships with others.

Psychobiological Explanation: 

My personal description of the felt-sense of having the toxic-shame-button pushed is this: being on a roller coaster inside of a tornado. This is due to the body needing a completion of all 3 survival responses (fight, flight and freeze) at the same time. In a meager attempt, a toxically-shamed person might do the following:

-Fight: I blame and/or villainize others, the government, politics, etc. Splitting off in rage episode is also common.

-Flight: I cut-off from the so called threat by literally leaving the situation, leaving the job, leaving my partner, leaving the city/country, etc.

-Freeze: I use intellect/stories, substance, fantasy/dreamland, enmesh with others, social media, and other addictions to numb. 

It is worth noting that the intensity of the energy caused by the locked-in fight and flight responses is so intense that freeze is the mechanism that comes in to stop the person from fully engaging in the behaviors. This is why at the heart of most addictions - especially smoked/injected substances - is unprocessed toxic shame.

Psychobiological Intervention:

It is critical that a third party be utilized if toxic shame presents in a romantic relationship. The level of activating energy within is too much for even two people to manage. A professional who has deep knowledge about the nervous system, somatic integration, shame, titration and pendulation is critical. Because it is an implicitly stored experience, the most important aspect will be teaching the client how to access, track and absorb his/her somatic experiences. Having an embodied experience might be brand new territory for those with unprocessed toxic shame as they’ve been unconsciously avoiding the place where the pain is stored their entire life. It is therefore - and also highly critical - that the practitioner has a psychobiological and clinical understanding and appreciation of safety and slowness. Through these techniques, the practitioner will softly challenge the defenses created to avoid the shame experience, allowing the client to feel a sense of empowerment and agency.

Please hear this: You cannot process toxic shame on your own. You cannot read books to recover your true Self. If you’re attempting to cope with life with unprocessed shame, it is likely you have an inherent distrust of others, especially if humiliation was a part of shaming from caretakers. There are professionals out there who understand this as they’ve been through the recovery path themselves. Processing shame and calling back and integrating those parts of you that you had to hide to survive can change your life entirely - especially your relationship to your Self. It might be the most spiritual endeavor you’ll ever embark on!

Vairagya: Non-Attachment

More than this…there is nothing

This was sadhana this morning: just sitting with the 5 elements and the 5 senses. To let…it..all…go. When I sit long enough, my body begins to rock, almost saying to me, “There, there child, you are held. Trust me.” Then the tears…

Being aware of even attaching to non-attachment is an interesting experience.

In yoga, non-attachment is called Vairagya. It is different from the western ego-based, materialized idea of it. In yogic terms non-attachment literally means, “non-coloring,” or a “non-smeared” state. It is the process of detaching from our karmic impressions and the actions created by them. 

Para Vairagya is the highest state non-attachment and of knowledge; it is a state of being in non-attachment. It is the capacity of a nervous system to stay in a calm and tranquil state amid the tumultuous events of the world. To reiterate, the difference being: the former is the process, the latter is a state.

We spend so much time doing, efforting, planning, creating…trying to change the world “for the better.” Looking to the future and shaming ourselves and others over the past. This is attaching. What if we understood that the world is just a reflection of us? That in the egoic effort to change and create, we are denying ourselves of our Self…a self-sacrifice for our “plan?” And, what if we understood this “plan” is simply a defense against, and an escape away from  being with our own individual tender heart?

What if we understood there is no need to change anything? For where you are at in this moment is perfection? Pain is inexorable from growth. If you are in a pain-period of your life, you are growing, and that too is perfection. This is the practice of non-attachment. 

There is a greater intelligence that exists. It always has. Some call it Source. Some call it Nature. Some call it God. It is a roadmap borne from the heart and gut space. We forget it when we get caught up in the transactional world. We remember it when we do our Sadhana. This is not to say we cut off from or remove ourselves entirely from the physical world. If we did that, we’d no longer see our reflection in others; we would lose our compass for where our inner work lies. 

We are called to utilize both: the manifest and the manifest worlds. When we drop down into this beautiful state of gently rocking between the physical and non-physical world, there will be harmony within the body. The polarity will softly disappear. The remnants of the fighting over denial of soul will be both: up-taken by the body for nourishment, and excreted as bio waste and utilized by the earth as nourishment. It’s always both. 

What if we understood that “the work” is simply to find peace and tranquility in our individual hearts? That in doing so, the Soul and it’s purpose would spontaneously emerge? What if we had so much trust in this process that we knew when many of us did this, the collective consciousness would grow, nearly without effort? How would life be different then?

Core Work: Abandonment of the Self

In what ways do you abandon yourself? When overwhelming stress arises, do you take the cheap route and violate your own being by:

• Using substance?

• Projecting (blaming the Other, institutions, government, etc.)?

• Stonewalling (stopping and/or blocking communication)?

• Telling bolstered stories and/or lying?

• Running away (literal leaving as a means to escape conflict, incessant traveling, moving homes and locations often)?

• Cycling (a pattern of: an elevated mania state to a drop in a highly depressed state)?

• Using social media to passive aggressively get attention instead of asking the Other to hold space for you?

• Being incongruent (overriding a tumultuous inner state by presenting a happy outer state)?

• Identifying/bypassing/enmeshing with a group or community?

• Splitting-off entirely into another persona/personality (and/or creating personas to fit different situations and experiences)?

• Raging (explosive eruptions occurring suddenly: snapping, irritability, activated energy, yelling, screaming)?

• Landing in fantasyland (creating a world that removes one from reality in order to cope. Oftentimes in this space, there is a a believing that one has special gifts no one else does)?

• Eating food as a substitute of true nourishment (especially sugar, carbs, dairy)?

The Consequences:

• It is worth noting that all the aforementioned behaviors come from protective mechanisms; defensive tactics unconsciously aimed at avoiding contact with the true Self and intimacy (into me I see). Protections are borne from the ego and were likely developed at a very young age to save oneself from harm. Because of this, when these behaviors get activated from a trigger, the individual will appear extremely childish, selfish, egoic and narcissistic, even to the extent of lacking empathy, unable to see how his/her behavior is affecting others.

• From a neurobiological perspective, when continually engaging these behaviors, one is literally not growing. Of course, we know drug and alcohol use kill brain cells. In particular, THC disrupts pyramidal neurons in the prefrontal cortex and impairs synaptic plasticity. Plasticity is code for growth in neural vernacular.

• In addition, when we take the same coping route over and over, we are nary creating new neuropathways. From a psychobiological perspective, consciousness growth necessitates that we actively veer from the default mode and choose a different path. 

• From a spiritual perspective, each time we sit in quiet with ourselves and bear witness to our old, dysfunctional samskaras, and practice forging new functional samskaras, we get closer to our inherent illuminated and abundant state.

• From a relationship perspective, it is very difficult (sometimes impossible) to have deeply intimate relationships when fully engrossed in these behaviors, as relationships will constantly reflect back the lack of authenticity when it shows up. Continuously presented with their shadowed selves and without healthy tools to cope, these individuals are pushed into a continuous loop of survival status, at the mercy of reptilian responses. Further, those who cycle in mania/depression will tend to play that pattern out in relationships which will usually manifest in a back-and-forth (break up/reunite) dynamic.

The “Now What?” Work: The AoH Protocol

• Develop a daily spiritual practice (sadhana). This is especially critical if you’ve been using substance as a means to cope with stress. If you’ve been using consistently for more than a year, you’ll likely need outside intervention as intimacy might be highly skewed. Your sadhana will become your safe place. Over time, it allows you to be the witness observer, slow your nervous system down and connect back to your core. It allows you to be intimate with your Self.

• Somatic Integration: in this case, somatic work would focus on being in relationship with the molecule dopamine. All behaviors listed have a component of addiction to intensity. Dopamine is on the sympathetic chain (gas pedal) of the nervous system. “More, more, more, so I don’t have to feel,” would be the mantra. A titration down from  sympathetic activation will be key here. First one must get in touch with the sensations in the body associated with the sympathetic activation/dopamine. Then develop a somatic integration plan which allows capacity growth, enabling the individual to live in a state closer and closer to equilibrium, our natural state.

• Neural Pathway work: this will be moment to moment work in the beginning. You will be paying attention to when the mind attempts to go the habituated sympathetic activation route. It’s similar to being faced with a fork in a dirt road: the old one is well-worn and easy to take. The new one must be forged at first through conscious work, but over time, it becomes second nature. That new path you worked on? That is leading you back to your heart, your soul, your intuition…your True Self.

• 3rd Party Participation: for those on the personal growth path, I believe seeing a 3rd party is an integral part of the protocol. If, however, you have found that patterns are repeating and they are getting in the way of your life, it’s critical to involve an outside party. I highly recommend finding a practitioner who is well-versed in nervous system knowledge and somatic integration. This practitioner understands the importance of establishing safety through slow and titrated processing, gently challenging while holding a stable container for renegotiation.

Saying Goodbye to the High

Over the last year, I’ve been asked more than a few times about coming to terms with and healing my relationship with bipolar disorder. When I was a grad student of counseling psychology in the late 90’s, this disorder was still (lightly) being referred to as Manic Depressive disorder. That’s a term I most closely identify with, as the cycling from the high of the manic state to the crash of the depressive state was how it most manifested in my body. That - and the detachment from reality - were the most devastating parts of it for me. As I do now, in my 20’s, I steered away from labels professionally. I was concerned clients would get a label and believe they were flawed due to it’s inherent pathology. Perhaps, it was the rebel within my youth state, but using psychological labels hit a very negative cord with me. Something inside of me knew there was a deeper, more perfect version of who we all were. So, I personally never accepted any of the labels I was diagnosed with, nor did I choose to take any psychopharmaceuticals. I am not promoting this path, it was simply my path.

It’s been almost 10 years that I’ve been free of the extreme cycling states. To this day though, I still have whiffs of the symptomatic manifestations. However, as I’ve been in a universe-imposed cacoon-state for the last 2 months, it feels like I’m having my last draw with this befuddling disorder. The symptoms tend to show up when I’m faced with a task, which, by the way, can be mundane. I begin to feel the anticipation of an excitatory energy take place: my heart begins to race and an urgency-type of power starts tugging at my sleeve, wanting to take over my entire being, like being pulled into a tunnel. In the past, if someone interrupted me during this phase in the cycle, I would likely snap at them. What I realize now, is that if they interrupted me at that phase, they might potentially disrupt the high I was going to eventually get. I’d chalk it up as being in “a creative state.” And, yes, it might have been such, but it was fueled by a very selfish - even narcissistic - craving for the high. Like a groveling junkie, I was hellbent on making my way down the road, to the corner, where the dealer dealt to get my high.

As I’ve been recently pulling up the unconscious pieces of my psychological history, I now see how my dad had a more extreme version of manic depression than I’ve experienced. Like many with this disorder, he used substance to cope with the overwhelming cycling states and energy they produced. For whatever cosmic reason, I never went the substance route to cope. I was an athlete most of my life and I tended towards positions that put me in tune with a one-pointed focus. In my 30’s, I found yoga to offer the same discerning quality. I imagine this saved my life, as substance would have been a slippery slope for me. As we all know, drugs immediately do the job of numbing the pain. Pain - both physical and mental - were constant companions for me throughout my 20’s and 30’s. So much so, that I contemplated suicide on many occasions. To have an immediate reprieve from that torture would have felt heaven-sent.

Furthermore, I see how my dad’s extreme moods and behaviors imprinted a trauma response that, “something terrible and catastrophic is going to happen…something is going to disrupt this moment and cause disarray and confusion.” I call this an “Impending Doom” complex. I also experienced unpredictable physical abuse from him, which added another layer of sediment to this complex. So many of us with relational trauma know this feeling all too well. This deep and unconscious neuropathway loves to rear it’s ugly head at me, attempting to sabotage the completion of the task at hand.

Up until about 6 years ago, ADD like symptoms would usually show up at this point. My opinion of ADD/ADHD is that it’s one form in which the freeze response presents itself. Freeze was the dominant survival response my body choose to cope with any excitatory state. I over-coupled all excitatory states with this Impending Doom Complex (over-coupling is another common trauma response). So, having my body go into freeze was like having the parent I’d always yearned for, come and save me from the abuse. The freeze response allowed me to disassociate from my body so I no longer could feel the emotional chaos nor the physical abuse. I recall the disassociation becoming so ingrained that I began to levitate over my body.

Now, at 47, I’m moving through feeling the sympathetic responses (fight and flight) to their completion. As a child, these biological responses were given little to no time or space. Especially for a child, healthy fight and flight are ways to feel into and express aliveness, power and freedom. When I feel the granular nuances begin, I immediately connect with my breath, I ground deeply, and I slow the process of the sympathetic responses down, telling my terrified little girl within that she’s safe, protected and out of harm’s way. Moving through these states to completion takes a great deal of capacity within the nervous system. The grief that has been pushed down for decades seems to come out in tumultuous waves in the beginning stages. I’d highly recommend working with a 3rd party when starting out in resolving relational trauma. It can be gnarly and dangerous to attempt alone.

The good news is that we can heal these deeply fractured, fragmented and exiled parts of our being. It is the very impetus of the work we are doing at AoH. If I’d had these tools and practices when I was in my 20’s, it would have saved me decades of cycling and pain. I’m so very grateful to have them to share with others now. I do believe this is my dharma.

AoH Learning Lab Definitions: Discernment (viveka)

“We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.” -Rabbi Shemuel ben Nachmani as quoted in the Talmudic tractate Berakot (55b).

The practices and methods in yoga allow us to examine in granular detail what is truth and untruth. That is to say, to parse apart authentically who we are, and that which we need to unlearn and undo. The undoing is so that we can see beyond the veil of the self that has been created. An established sadhana allows us capacity and strength so that we can be with the veils and remove them so that we are no longer blocked from our True Nature. Discernment (viveka) is one of the vital methods of coming to the state of truth and samadhi. On it’s deeper level (viveka khyati), discernment brings us to such clarity that we operate from intuitive wisdom.

In my opinion, defensiveness and projection are the two main blocks in preventing us from realizing our essence. Defensiveness is usually a reaction to feeling criticized and/or attacked and stems from unprocessed shame. It is the opposite of growth as it denies responsibility or curiosity. Like defensiveness, projection is a defense mechanism stemming from the ego. And, it also blocks one from taking responsibility by blaming others: society, family of origin, a partner, past experiences, current circumstances, etc.

Once we begin to feel safe in our own bodies, trusting that our structure, our breath and our nervous system can hold us - even through looking at our darkest shadowed-selves - we create positive and re-assuring reference points. We begin to build capacity to hold all parts of our Self. To do this, we must slow down so that we can check-in with those parts of our Self that have been exiled, bring them to consciousness and allow them to integrate in our being. This is where dedication to our sadhana is critical, for it’s so easy to get caught up in the egoic smorgasbord of distractions offered in the external world. Here is where we use discernment

We are spectacularly diverse and nuanced organisms, us humans. Being able to bear witness and hold space for the myriad changing states within our body is mind is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our Self and to the world. It’s a way to celebrate Us!

AoH Learning Lab Definitions: Samadhi

A perfectly still, pristine state of mind; a state of mind free from all karmic consequences; a state in which we are fully established in our essential nature.

The entire range of samadhi is described in two parts, lower samadhi and higher samadhi. Lower samadhi, known as sabija or samprajnata, refers to the process of meditation, whereas higher samadhi, known as nirbija or asamprajnata, refers to the ultimate experience of being established in the purest state of consciousness (R.Tigunait, 2014).

AoH Learning Lab Definitions: Sadhana

A daily practice which aids in a checking-in with the Self.

A well-defined, structured, method of spiritual practice (R. Tigunait, 2014).

AoH Learning Lab Definitions: Yoga

Yoga - literal, union. The methods and practices leading to union of individual human consciousness with the divine principle or cosmic consciousness (S.S., Saraswati, 1984).

AoH Online Membership

Welcome to the Architecture of Humanity online membership! A protocol for returning to your essential nature.

Who does this membership serve?

• Those wishing to know their True Self or the Self on a deeper level.

• Those in the Healing Arts field who desire to know what inherently drives their clients and tools to support them through a psychobiolgical approach.

• Those moving through a transition in life and seeking of support.

• Those desiring a community of like-minded individuals under the auspice of personal and spiritual growth.

Having a regulated nervous system is the most important contribution we will ever make to our Self, to our loved ones and to this planet. It is at the core of our health: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The level of our regulation filters the lens through which we see the world. A dysregulated nervous system is at the core of anxiety, depression, addiction and codependence.

Nervous system regulation forms the basis of all our AoH teachings, including the online membership. Very simply, a regulated nervous system relates to a settled presence in all experiences, relationships and encounters in one’s life.

The AoH online membership will deliver multiple teachings every week and will provide tools and practices from a multidisciplinary aspect in regulating your nervous system. These weekly offerings will assist you in finding peace, contentment and clarity in all aspects of your life from romantic relationships, to work relationships, to a general ease in interacting in the world.

The curriculum for our online membership stems from Leslie Boyd’s 23 years of professional counseling experience, most notably, in private practice over the last 8 years as a Somatic Integration and Nervous System Clinician. Additionally, it includes her personal experience in using a multidisciplinary toolbox to facilitate her own growth.

The AoH online membership is a is a protocol that will allow you to create conditions of safety within your body so that you are able to gently come into conscious relationship with the protections that are now creating a stuckness in your life, which typically manifests in relationships. It is a distillation of the most salient parts of psychology, biology, somatic and nervous system education, yoga and Buddhism.

We have 3 pricing options you may choose from:

• $18 per month. This price includes: weekly video lecture, weekly guided pranayama (breathwork) video, weekly guided embodiment practice video and monthly comprehensive written lecture.

• $27 per month. This price includes: weekly blog post, weekly video lecture, weekly guided pranayama (breathwork) video, weekly guided embodiment practice, monthly comprehensive written lecture, guided somatic yoga asana video and weekly blog post.

• $36 per month. This price includes: weekly blog post, weekly video lecture, weekly guided pranayama (breathwork) video, weekly guided embodiment practice, monthly comprehensive written lecture, guided somatic yoga asana video, weekly blog post, monthly one-hour “Live with Leslie” sessions (topic-driven Q&A) and access to an online and on-going community discussion group.

To purchase your membership, follow the link.

AoH Online Membership (part 2 of 2)

We are putting the final touches on our online membership and it should be open to the community tomorrow!!

We will offer to you a protocol designed to re-introduce you to your Natural Essence. I wish I could tell you that the process is quick, easy and painless. That you could simply manifest a spectacular life in some wildly dopamine-charged weekend journey event.

But, this is what I know to be true: that integration and coherence might be the closest litmus test for knowing when we arrive back to the luminosity that was buried long ago by narratives forced upon us. When those two luminous states come back online, we are able to wear the clothes nature intended for us, for our souls…so we can do the job that was ordered by our bespoke divinity.

In order to come to an integrated and coherent state, we must take it slowly and unpack the untruths, feel how those untruths landed in our bodies, then begin to create space between who we thought we were and who we truly are. This action is hard won and few will go this route.

The good news is that you have a community of people here in AoH who have been walking this path for quite some time. They understand what will and can arise, and they will gladly be here to hold your hand, metaphorically speaking.

The other good news is that we have pulled the most salient pieces from psychology, biology, somatics, nervous system education, yoga and Buddhism to give you a highly efficient practice. This way you don’t have to go out on a 20-year man-hunt to end an existential crisis like most of us did.

Your task right now is to create the conditions so that you can commit to about 30 minutes per day of loving yourself. Much like creating an exercise program, at first it will feel efforted. But, soon that discipline will turn in to devotion.

You will learn that you can turn to these practices - which lead you to your heart - again and again. You’ll learn that you no longer need to reach for external means to soothe yourself…that you’ve had a hugely diverse inner pharmacy in your beautiful body all along. The self-abuse and global codependence can end here and now, once and for all.

You are deserving of liberation, abundance, expansion, pleasure and choice. You are so deserving to be loved. Welcome home dear one. We are all orphaned pilgrims making this crawl, hand over fist, together.

In love and service,
Leslie Boyd

Yogic Learning: Saucha, Setting the Stage for Excellence

As I move along in creating the curriculum, protocol and online content for Architecture of Humanity, I am attempting to stay in complete integrity with the heart-felt knowing that we are not doing “the work” to get anywhere or achieve anything. We are simply using protocols, practices and tools that unlock and bring to consciousness the ways in which we have placed layers of protection over our True Nature. We are using psychobiological education, embodiment practices and yogic techniques that allow us to slowly and gently come back to the Soul: the being that was - and still is - your birthright.

Yoga is, for me, the predominant protocol that has allowed a gradual shedding of those layers of protection. It is a path to liberation and more than comprehensive in that vein. The offerings of yoga are far more than any one person will be able to practice and study in a lifetime. In 2014, this beautiful practice of yoga quite literally saved my life. I feel an immense love and appreciation to this ineffable practice. And so, of course, it plays a big role in the AoH curriculum.

Yoga as a way of living, is a purification process. Like nearly all other eastern philosophies, it is non-linear. One precept, then, can have multiple meanings. And, one single practice can be carried out in myriad ways across one’s life.

As aforementioned, yoga as a way of living came into my life 8 years ago. I feel so fortunate to have teachers who introduced me to the vastness of yoga which extends far beyond the physical practice (Asana). Saucha is one of those precepts. It translates to cleanliness, clearness and purity. It is one of the Niyamas of Yoga as outlined in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra. If our mind and body are “dirty,” we will likely live a life of pain and cyclical failures. If we get caught up in negative thoughts and use substance to cope with the pain, we are having a relationship with these toxicities. They are bringing us farther away from the Self, and our freedom and excellence.

I am currently reading and following the practices outlined in numerous books by Pandit Rajmani Tigunait, PhD. I am pulling in his words and wisdom as I put together a suggested protocol for excellence and Sadhana practice for AoH practioners. He is a modern-day master and living link in the unbroken Himalayan Tradition. The ancient practices he elucidates in his writings are needed more now than ever.

Below, I have repeated his beautiful wisdom regarding Saucha, word-for-word. This path we are about to introduce allows us to realize our excellence. That said, it takes time, effort and dedication. Setting the conditions in your mind, body and surroundings is critical to begin the process. I am thrilled to join you and our community on this path!

“Cleanliness is twofold: external and internal. External cleanliness involves keeping your home and surroundings clean. For example, not only must you keep your meditation room clean, but the rest of your dwelling as well. The space outside your door should be clean. Your shoes should be clean and arranged properly, and your clothes should be clean, folded, and put in the right place. Dirty dishes compromise the sanctity of your home. Before you go to bed, all your household objects should be put in their right place. Make your bed as son as you get up. The goal is to maintain an environment in which your senses of sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing do not contact anything dirty, disorganized, undesirable, unpleasant, or unhealthy. “

“Internal cleanliness is equally important. This includes keeping not only your body and garments clean, but also your internal organs and mind. Apply the yogic and ayurvedic methods of cleansing your gastrointestinal tract. Fasting, juicing, sweating, and deep relaxation are all detoxifying. Eat food that is freshly cooked and nutritious. Maintain a lifestyle that ensures you will not suffer from indigestion or constipation.”

“Mental cleanliness requires that you refrain from entertaining negative thoughts. Of all negative tendencies, jealousy, anger, fear, and greed are the most detrimental to your practice. These tendencies are subtle and do not go away just because shortly before you began your practice you made a decision not to entertain them, so it is important to examine your habitual tendencies. Cultivate an attitude of friendliness toward those who appear to be happier and more successful than you are, compassion for those who are suffering, happiness toward those who exhibit virtuous qualities, and a nonjudgmental attitude toward those who appear to be wrong-doers. Identify your most stubborn negative tendency as well as the circumstances that trigger it - observe how this tendency asserts itself powerfully and without warning. Consciously cultivate a habit of practicing contemplation that which is diametrically opposed your most stubborn negative tendency. The great master Patanjali calls this contemplative process pratipaksha-bhavana. In other words, adopt a yogic worldview and meditative practice to cultivate a mind that is clear, peaceful, free from fear, and has the ability to maintain constant awareness of higher reality. Such a highly trained mind eventually loses the taste for harboring negative tendencies…”

“The selection of a place for undertaking this practice is as important as the time. Choose a quiet place surrounded by the beauty of nature…the cleanliness of the place and the aesthetics of the surrounding area should be befitting the standards of the queen of beauty and joy.”

“It is important that during this practice you are accompanied by select friends who understand what you are doing and have respect for it. During this practice, these loved ones ensure you have everything you need and ward off external disturbances before they come to your attention.”

Deliberately Choosing A New Experience Through Sadhana

If I may, I’d like to say something bold: if you don’t have a spiritual path and/or are not consistently doing your practices, you’re likely operating from an egoic default mode in life. In Buddhism, the root of all suffering is egocentricity. 

Your daily practice (Sadhana) is where you check-in with your body and psyche. It is where you go to find your Self. It is where you undress yourself from the masks you wear. It is the place where you grow capacity in your nervous system. It is the newly tilled, fertile ground from which consciousness expands. It is the place where you practice living.

As I moved through Asana, pranayama and meditation today, what was enunciated was how strong my resistance was. How much my mind wanted to distract. It wanted to get away from the tightness in my hips, the virus moving through me, the ache of grief pounding in my heart. I didn’t like how I felt. The discomfort showed in my body, mind, heart and soul. But I waited, watched and resisted: the myriad ways in which we can be distracted in our society is absurd.

I stay with my practice because I know when I do, I reach a point where my thinking mind (ego) begins to release its grip and my breath becomes my primary vehicle. This is where pranic energy takes over. It is a tremendous gift of nectar from the subtle body, but one that is hard-won for it requires that I have a relationship with my resistance. And, your resistance IS your ego. It unconsciously creates a story of protection to save you from the so-called threat. But, this protection also prevents you from growing. It keeps you stuck in repeating - sometimes maddening - patterns.

Most of us are operating on autopilot. In neuroscience, this is called The Default Mode Network (DMN). When we disrupt our DMN, we are in the process of creating a new neuropathway. We must disrupt the default mode to potentiate change (neuroplasticity). Just by virtue of committing and sticking to a daily practice you are disrupting the default mode network. 

If you have found yourself in a back and forth struggle in life with: relationships, weight, food, substance, jobs, finding purpose, etc., you’re likely going to the same well via the unconscious threads of a well-worn neuropathway.

The ego calls us to utilize external sources to move through life’s vicissitudes. This is the cheap route and it only creates more suffering. 

The soul beckons us to utilize our bodies, our inner pharmacy, to move gracefully and sustainably through life. This is the conscious route and it only creates more expansion. 

Our AoH membership forum is in the works and on the way soon! There, we will have many practices and tools to add to your Sadhana. Stay tuned!

What If…

What if… the visiting drifter of heavy emotion we call depression is a series of tiny hurts? Each tiny hurt is a feather-light piece of yarn on its own, but all bound together they create a spool. These miniature betrayals, are strewn together one after one. We deny their existence and inherent necessity to grieve. But, brought into consciousness - often in trespass and all at once - they are felt as a cascading of a tumult into darkness.

These seemingly gone incompletions bind together to create one long thread. Left ignored and unattended, they create a disorganized, confused entanglement in the subtle body. What if this entanglement is a representation of the collision of all the stones we threw? The time she failed to show? The diamonds that stayed black? That moment he left. Every time you screamed but it was sorely muffled by a paper cup? The backs turned on you with the weight of an army? The book that came unbound, pages flying mercilessly in the wind?

The minute misattunements, the little misunderstandings, the lack of communication, the withholding of information, the denial of repair. They all add up…one by one and burden our hearts with heaviness.

We only give credence to the big violations almost as if it is a prerequisite paired with visible bruises to be given permission to be tended to.

But, what if in turning back time, there was a person who you were able to fall into for safety? Someone who would just sit by your side for as long as you needed? What if that person had enough capacity to be in vulnerability with her own emotions to the extent that she was content to just breathe with you while you heaved and shook and the ocean of your tears illuminated the skin that covered your heart?

Our culture says it desires depth but in the face of it, quickly turns to the reel of imposter images manufactured on the screen. The moment depth beckons, our culture pivots against it and becomes entranced in leaning towards the imitation of light.

In my private practice, I’m rarely (if ever) working with the big traumas. It’s the small wounds that we volley with back and forth. Clients are nearly always surprised at the depth of emotion and extent of grief connected to these tiny hurts. It’s always over-coupled with another not showing up, not listening, walking away, turning of back, or dismissing our felt experience.

We are desperately seeking community that can digest and assimilate the deep and dark contents of life. Where do we find such community that is grounded in empirical philosophy? One that can speak to answers borne from the heart space as opposed to a dedication of dogma borne of protective ego?

A while back, someone told me that I’m doing the “Now what work.” I don’t remember what genius coined this, but I hold it in honour. It speaks clearly to the work we present in Architecture of humanity.

Our society attempts to understand the Self, so we read, we memorize and we diagnose ourselves. This is the point at which most of us get stuck, still being haunted by those tiny hurts yearning to see the light. This is the impasse and chasm of mind and body. It is the juncture where somatic work must come in to quell the stories and unfurl the sensory experiences held in the body.

So, how do we go from knowing to flowing? In Architecture of Humanity, we have created a protocol to assist with this next development of growth to move beyond spiritual purgatory: a stage that many become stuck in.

We begin by knowing our Self on one of the deepest levels accessible in the material world: existence. How do we know we exist? How do we know we’re known? In AoH, we start with knowing our primitive biology. This is the psychobiological approach. Only from here can we understand and be in relationship with our unconscious impulses and unmet needs. We learn our Self first so that we can understand the Others. This allows us to support others in community.

If this protocol resonates with you, please consider signing up for our email list to be notified of future events and gatherings. We are currently organizing multiple forms of community from extensive learning workshops to online groups and education.

All events include: ceremony and ritual, learning and growth, community-building and somatic integration.

Listed below are our upcoming events:

- Sisters of the Forest. A monthly women’s gathering: Saturday, August 27, 10:00-3:00

- Gong Meditation Soundbath: Saturday, September 10, 5:30-8:30

- Primal Partnering: A deep dive into learning the Self to be in healthy relationship with others. 5-module workshop begins September 12. 5 Mondays 5:30-7:30

-Brothers of the Woods. A men’s gathering. First meeting: Sunday, October 2. 10:00-3:00.

Love Letter to the Divine Masculine

This is a picture of my daughter and her dad (my ex). I found it last week when I was cleaning out my garage. When I saw it, I fell to the ground in grief. I had the sudden realization that I didn’t have a conscious memory of her at that stage in her life. Because of extreme life circumstances, for three years, I checked out to survive when we were under FBI investigation during that time. In that moment last week, the grief that I cut off l - just to stay alive - caught up with me. I’d been sucker-punched with unfathomable guilt and remorse over not being present for her.

And, through all these highly-nuanced slices of life, it is all so fascinating and awe-inspiring if we are able to zoom out from this 4D illusionary state…

All month, I’ve been watching lion videos. I like to come off as highly sophisticated and clever, so I tell the story that it’s research for work. Yeah, it is…but my life absolutely inspires and informs my work. The truth is that I’m drawn to the lion as he embodies the Father Archetype: the protector. He is the integrated gestalt of mature masculine energy. Courageous, strong, decisive, capable, productive…embodying benevolent authority through wisdom.

As I called my ex to wish him well on Father’s Day, I thanked him for showing up for our daughter. We both had a huge cry over what we missed with her from 2012-2016. He shared with me his “horrendous pain.” It was a pivotal time in her life that we’ll never be able to get back. I can’t begin to describe how much that hurts as a parent.

What I told him was this: even though we’re divorced, we’re now showing up and repairing those ruptures we created in our daughters life. The two of us came into our marriage as young, highly wounded and misinformed individuals. But, because we are now suturing up those wounds, the imprint won’t be left in her body. She won’t have to reenact the incompleteness 1,000 times like we did.

Back to the lion videos: I’m 46 years old. There’s still that little girl in me who yearns for the Father Archetype to show up…to protect me, to save me. I lost my dad to leukemia 17 years ago. He was 49 years old, I was 29. He was this supernova of a human. His luminous stellar explosion was ever-waiting to happen. He seemed to always be one step away from a nuclear fusion. My dad left me for a yearning of both the protector and the luminosity of an entire galaxy. That’s an interesting tightrope to walk!

That’s difficult to share publicly. But, my hope is that I never stop this self-exploration and sharing with others. I hope you don’t either. This life is full of symbolism, love, confusion, heartache, frustration, belly laughs, projection, awkward dancing, soul-speaking, unconscious stupidity, and if we’re lucky, one that’s lived to the point of tears.

How do we know we’re growing? I suppose there are many ways. But, my favorite one is to simply look around at who is in my life in this moment. As I feel into this day, Father’s Day, and to the men who are in my life, I must be doing pretty well. They are all so beautifully doing the dance of unifying masculine and feminine energies cohesively. I want to thank you all for doing the necessary repair with yourself and, therefore me and so many other feminine energies. It is profound, even though you may not realize it.

A repair efforted by one masculine energy, affects millions of other feminine energies.

Clean Communication and Emotional Ethics

How do we safeguard our work? “The Work” I refer to here is deep somatic work to the extent that we can be in relationship with our wounded parts. The extent that I can hold space for my wounds is the extent to which I can hold another’s wounded stares. So, how do we interface in intimate relationships honoring the Other, but also protecting Our wounds against triggered states?

The answer, I believe, lies in a psychobiologically-informed answer: if our ego is integrated, it is critical that we only interface intimately with those who also have an integrated ego. Those with an integrated ego hold a personal emotional ethical view that communication (especially with those they care most about) is clean. When this is the bedrock of how they interface, there is no residual left. Wounds will get triggered, we can’t avoid that. But, we can choose to be in intimate relationships with others who language sounds like this: “I’m sorry I triggered you. I will stay with you and talk this out until you feel resolution and repair in your body. What do you need? What are you deeply craving?

So, what does it mean to have an integrated ego from a psychobiological standpoint? It means that I’ve done the somatic work to the extent that I’ve built capacity to allow my survival responses to come to surface without reacting to them. This, by the way, is my definition of consciousness.

And, what does that look like in real life? Answers like this are often best understood while looked at from a comparison state. So, an individual without ego-integration would make decisions from a fight or flight response. So, there would be little to no communication over a tough conversation. They often avoid the conversation and/or create distractions. So, instead of taking time to feel his own survival responses, that person would simply tell the other person that a decision has already been made. This is because he cannot cope with the energy that comes up in his nervous system. These are Avoidant Attachment style individuals: they cut and run when the going gets tough, often leaving the residual for the other to clean up. Plans, commitments and empathy for how their actions affect the other is secondary to their own need to run away from a situation begging for maturity.

This is a reaction as opposed to a response Reactions are always projections, which is a mechanism to release energy an individual has not learned to cope with. Unfortunately, this projection is often leashed out onto another. Anger and accusations at the other of being unreasonable are common energy leaks/projections. This starts the dances with wounds.

Trauma can be defined as too much, too soon, too fast. For those of us who have early abandonment wounds, it is critical that we are in intimate relationships with those who have an integrated ego because a triggered state may not only bring up strong emotions and feelings in us, but also an entire bodily experience of being terrified and/or annihilated.

We all deserve intimate relationships - especially romantic ones - with those who have the capacity to honor those sacred wound states. Is this the intersection of where sacred relationships begin? I think so. It’s all about repair and resolution!